Starting with Hello

Learning to start cold conversations.

Fear of rejection can be a motivator but, more often, it’s paralyzing.

Imagine entering a casual dining spot where you find several others eating alone. Walk up to someone and ask, “Would you like to sit with a bigger group and meet some new people?” If they say yes, introduce yourself and ask what they love. Repeat until you have at least two folks who say yes and then bring the group together at a bigger table. Introduce them to one another based on their common interest, or just say “you two seem to have nothing in common and that’s impossible so I’ll assume you both grew up somewhere; why don’t you talk about that.” They’ll giggle (awkwardly) and start talking. As new people walk by alone with their food, ask them to join the table as well.

A few years ago, this task would’ve made my skin crawl. But, after pushing myself to do this, among many other “tests”, I’ve shed the fear of starting cold conversations.

It’s been important for me to unlearn that early lesson to avoid speaking to strangers. I shifted my perspective to look at the people around me as the best friend I haven’t met yet. The biggest misconception is that walking up to someone is bothering them. In rare cases, people just want to be left alone; but, from my experience, I’ve discovered that people are open to others who can add value to their day.

I can’t claim to be an expert, but I’ve found it important to keep three things front of mind.

First, don’t try too hard. Imagine you’re chatting with your best friend and be okay with pauses. Second, imagine there’s something amazing about the person and you just haven’t discovered it. Look at them as valuable and don’t ask questions that make them feel like you’re judging or qualifying them, e.g. “What do you do?” Third, keep a soft face, big eyes with good eye contact, and smile (not too big).

And what happens if they shrug off my hello, or say something rude? Absolutely nothing. I’m exactly where I started. Quietly standing next to another person. I remind myself that they don’t know me, so their decision isn’t a judgement of me.

When I wanted to get started, my first task was to simply say hello to three people a day. Not just hello, but to look at them, pause, and really greet them like I mean it. Over time, I increased the goal and then eventually reversed it where I can only avoid a hello three people a day.

I found that amazing, magical experiences happen when I take small social risks. I’ve been invited to shows with groups who brought me in as their own, met new friends (who have introduced me to others) and I’ve made new business contacts.

Oh, and, hello.