It’s their fault.

By Nathan Keirn via Wikipedia

Us and them.

Can we stop calling people who hate on homosexuality “intolerant”? Intolerance makes it sound like some excuse. They’re not intolerant, just ignorant and hateful.

I read this relatively popular status update from my Facebook and, although the speaker meant well, it made me so damn confused.

Is it reasonable to believe that intolerance will be cured with aggression? The underlying issue is that we define ourselves by a select few of our external memberships, affiliations, beliefs, and opinions.

“Pro gay marriage.”

“Pro gun ownership.”

“Abortion is murder.”

Three word phrases that can decide whether everything else about a person is acceptable and color our understanding of everything they say going forward.

If you’re ever feeling adventurous, try to take the other side in a coffee shop or at a discussion and see how heartless “your team” can be. See if you’d be convinced to switch sides after you’re talked down to. Cognitive dissonance acts as a shield that protects our existing mental model from tampering.

We’re intuitively guided by a fallacy that the difference in understanding is a lack of knowledge. Therefore, if we provide the information to the other side they will obviously switch sides. I’ve heard some scientists call this the “deficit model.” Nevertheless, behavior change is much more complex and subtle than a simple lack of knowledge.

Although we can’t turn off our basic subconscious drive to categorize, box, and judge people; we are capable of re-evaluating our initial result by understanding our bias. Understanding that when we’ve ended up with a result that says a person is a “them” that we will judge them incorrectly and, often, harshly.

Research by Harvard’s Dr. Joshua Greene,et al., seems to demonstrate that we actually de-prioritize the amount of energy we spend thinking about them, while we’ll actively work to rationalize the actions of those in the in-group. Intuitively, it’s the idea that we’re much more likely to accept a negative action as an exceptional action when committed by a friend and a character flaw of someone with which we don’t have an affinity.

Dr. Greene’s work is brilliant as it provides us an out to this problem. The goal is to find how a person is like us, rather than how they differ. Minimize differences and focus on commonalities. This small change in perspective can change the way you behave in the most personal and transient relationships. A person may disagree with your politics, but they also have a love for your favorite hobby, band, or their family.

It takes a bit of work to course correct; however, it’s well worth it when you can walk down the street and see a lot more “us” and less “them.”